1 00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:01,909 - hot in cleveland 2 00:00:01,932 --> 00:00:04,199 Is recorded in front Of a live studio audience. 3 00:00:09,088 --> 00:00:10,791 - well, this is great. 4 00:00:10,814 --> 00:00:12,100 Who needs a fancy salon? 5 00:00:12,124 --> 00:00:13,251 - I do. 6 00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:14,210 And as soon as we're done, 7 00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:16,254 I'm going out For a mani-pedi. 8 00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,011 - you just finished Doing your nails. 9 00:00:18,034 --> 00:00:19,800 - yes, so that They'd be presentable 10 00:00:19,822 --> 00:00:21,270 When I get them done By a professional. 11 00:00:21,293 --> 00:00:22,867 You know, It's a common courtesy, 12 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:25,838 Like cleaning up Before the housekeeper comes. 13 00:00:25,861 --> 00:00:26,796 - I've never heard of that. 14 00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:29,342 - I know, honey. I used to wax you. 15 00:00:31,101 --> 00:00:33,144 - hand me the hair color. 16 00:00:34,742 --> 00:00:36,254 - hey, nice and easy. 17 00:00:36,277 --> 00:00:38,298 - yeah, I picked this up yesterday. 18 00:00:38,321 --> 00:00:42,195 - that's great, dear, but I was Talking to melanie and joy. 19 00:00:42,218 --> 00:00:43,814 If that is joy. 20 00:00:45,957 --> 00:00:48,777 Aah! 21 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,174 What are you girls Doing in here? 22 00:00:51,196 --> 00:00:53,122 - we're having A day of beauty. 23 00:00:53,145 --> 00:00:54,464 You know, Fighting the good fight. 24 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,093 - well, lay down Your weapons, ladies. 25 00:00:56,116 --> 00:00:59,097 Time won. 26 00:00:59,119 --> 00:01:00,438 - that's ridiculous. 27 00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:03,506 Moving to cleveland has extended Our shelf life by 20 years. 28 00:01:03,529 --> 00:01:04,816 - although, to be honest, 29 00:01:04,839 --> 00:01:05,869 We have been going through 30 00:01:05,892 --> 00:01:07,627 A bit of a romantic Dry spell lately, 31 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,288 So we've decided To up our game. 32 00:01:09,311 --> 00:01:10,981 - well, What more can you do? 33 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,643 I haven't seen This much body work 34 00:01:12,666 --> 00:01:15,773 Since g.M. Left town. 35 00:01:15,796 --> 00:01:16,891 - you're crankier than usual. 36 00:01:16,914 --> 00:01:18,617 What's with you? 37 00:01:18,639 --> 00:01:20,438 - you guys wouldn't understand. 38 00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:21,875 - is it because Of the browns? 39 00:01:21,898 --> 00:01:22,865 - no. 40 00:01:22,888 --> 00:01:23,984 - oh, is it Because of your trial? 41 00:01:24,008 --> 00:01:25,453 - no. 42 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,338 - is it because You broke up with max? 43 00:01:27,361 --> 00:01:28,551 - no. 44 00:01:28,575 --> 00:01:30,150 It's because my max 45 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,929 Has already started Dating somebody else. 46 00:01:32,952 --> 00:01:36,411 And the browns stink. 47 00:01:36,435 --> 00:01:37,753 - I'm so sorry. 48 00:01:37,776 --> 00:01:39,479 - so am I. 49 00:01:39,502 --> 00:01:43,046 Is it too much to ask For one decent wide receiver? 50 00:01:44,709 --> 00:01:48,360 - elka, don't hide behind Whoever the browns are. 51 00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,373 - you're upset about max. 52 00:01:50,396 --> 00:01:51,491 Who's he dating now? 53 00:01:51,514 --> 00:01:54,048 - that slut From the senior center. 54 00:01:54,071 --> 00:01:56,667 Aka fat-ass hagford. 55 00:01:56,689 --> 00:01:58,743 - you have so many Colorful names for her. 56 00:01:58,766 --> 00:02:01,555 Fat-ass hagford. Angus fatford. 57 00:02:01,577 --> 00:02:03,759 I've forgotten her real name. What is it again? 58 00:02:03,782 --> 00:02:06,273 - bitch. 59 00:02:08,063 --> 00:02:10,213 - well, I don't think you should Have ever broken up with max 60 00:02:10,236 --> 00:02:12,321 In the first place. You're still in love with him. 61 00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:15,419 - yes, but his son Is running for office, 62 00:02:15,442 --> 00:02:18,997 And I'm tied To a mafia crime. 63 00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:20,628 - hello. 64 00:02:20,650 --> 00:02:22,289 There's an incredibly Handsome man 65 00:02:22,311 --> 00:02:24,781 Talking on his cell phone On our porch. 66 00:02:24,804 --> 00:02:27,549 It's like sex in a suit. 67 00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:31,490 - if he's a jehovah's witness, I'm converting. 68 00:02:31,513 --> 00:02:33,567 - if he's a mormon, He can have all three of us. 69 00:02:33,590 --> 00:02:36,122 That must be my lawyer. 70 00:02:36,146 --> 00:02:38,262 - I have to change. - I call the shower! 71 00:02:38,285 --> 00:02:39,765 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop. 72 00:02:39,788 --> 00:02:40,819 Stop, you guys. 73 00:02:40,842 --> 00:02:42,544 This is crazy. 74 00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:44,365 We should just go up One at a time. 75 00:02:44,388 --> 00:02:47,018 Shortest first. 76 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:51,330 - heavens. All that fuss over one... 77 00:02:51,353 --> 00:02:52,768 - mrs. Ostrovsky? 78 00:02:52,791 --> 00:02:56,409 - I hope you're my lawyer. 79 00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,443 Because I'm defenseless. 80 00:03:08,638 --> 00:03:10,563 - well, elka, I've been reviewing your case, 81 00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:11,904 And based on what I see here, I have... 82 00:03:11,927 --> 00:03:12,991 - oh, I'm sorry. 83 00:03:13,013 --> 00:03:15,867 I didn't know anyone Was down here. 84 00:03:19,595 --> 00:03:21,137 I just woke up. 85 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,117 I must look a fright. 86 00:03:23,140 --> 00:03:27,304 - I think you forgot the rest Of your outfit upstairs. 87 00:03:27,326 --> 00:03:30,339 With your dignity. 88 00:03:30,362 --> 00:03:31,905 - hi, I'm kirk, Elka's attorney. 89 00:03:31,928 --> 00:03:33,310 - I'm joy. 90 00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:35,322 Is there A mrs. Elka's attorney? 91 00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,496 - no, I guess I haven't met The right woman yet. 92 00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:40,275 Hello. 93 00:03:40,297 --> 00:03:41,424 - hi. 94 00:03:41,448 --> 00:03:44,044 - I'm melanie. 95 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:47,974 - are you having An asthma attack? 96 00:03:47,997 --> 00:03:49,220 - no. 97 00:03:49,243 --> 00:03:53,469 You know how sometimes my voice Gets deep and sensual? 98 00:03:53,492 --> 00:03:56,078 Like a young... - larry king? 99 00:03:59,850 --> 00:04:03,117 - I didn't know You hired a lawyer yet, 100 00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:06,045 Or that you wake up In makeup. 101 00:04:07,933 --> 00:04:12,382 - kirk was sent to me By my late husband's... Friends. 102 00:04:12,405 --> 00:04:13,341 - oh. 103 00:04:13,364 --> 00:04:15,098 - so you work for the mafia? 104 00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:17,110 - well, technically, My grandfather did, 105 00:04:17,133 --> 00:04:18,357 But he put me Through law school, 106 00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:20,178 So from time to time I help his associates out. 107 00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:23,595 - I hope I'm not Interrupting anything. 108 00:04:23,618 --> 00:04:27,078 Oh, please... Please, don't get up. 109 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:28,772 - what's all this then? 110 00:04:28,795 --> 00:04:30,624 - oh, it's just my emmy gown. 111 00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:32,541 I just found out That emmy magazine 112 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,500 Wants to do a piece on me 113 00:04:33,522 --> 00:04:35,833 Because of my emmy win. 114 00:04:35,856 --> 00:04:36,823 - boy, it must be exciting 115 00:04:36,846 --> 00:04:38,357 Living with A famous actress, hmm? 116 00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:42,031 - was that a proposal? 117 00:04:42,054 --> 00:04:44,235 - can we get back To my trial? 118 00:04:44,258 --> 00:04:45,544 - yeah, elka, I'm gonna be blunt. 119 00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:47,397 The state has A very solid case against you. 120 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,580 - oh, no. 121 00:04:48,602 --> 00:04:50,113 - well, it's not like She stole anything. 122 00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:52,381 She was just in possession Of stolen goods. 123 00:04:52,404 --> 00:04:56,599 - is there anything someone as Broad-shouldered as you can do? 124 00:04:56,621 --> 00:04:57,972 - well, you know, There is one tactic 125 00:04:57,994 --> 00:04:58,930 That's worked in the past. 126 00:04:58,953 --> 00:04:59,953 Uh, are you ladies familiar 127 00:04:59,976 --> 00:05:01,518 With the vinnie "The chin" gigante case? 128 00:05:01,541 --> 00:05:03,467 - oh, the mobster who wore The bathrobe to court. 129 00:05:03,489 --> 00:05:06,279 - right. To show that he wasn't Competent to stand trial. 130 00:05:06,302 --> 00:05:08,547 - so you want me To pretend to be senile? 131 00:05:08,570 --> 00:05:09,505 - pretend? 132 00:05:09,528 --> 00:05:12,221 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! 133 00:05:12,244 --> 00:05:14,618 I'm a bit of a scamp. 134 00:05:14,641 --> 00:05:16,694 - listen, I'll do whatever it takes. 135 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,067 - good. And it'd be really helpful 136 00:05:18,091 --> 00:05:19,793 If each of you could testify To that fact. 137 00:05:19,816 --> 00:05:21,519 - oh, absolutely. - now, you do understand, 138 00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:22,828 You'll be risking A perjury charge. 139 00:05:22,851 --> 00:05:24,041 - oh, well, I don't care. 140 00:05:24,064 --> 00:05:25,639 We'll do anything To keep elka out of jail. 141 00:05:25,662 --> 00:05:27,364 - perfect. You'll be Really good on the stand. 142 00:05:27,387 --> 00:05:28,514 You've got a very honest face. 143 00:05:28,538 --> 00:05:30,335 - I'll help too. 144 00:05:30,359 --> 00:05:31,741 - great. Who doesn't love A british accent? 145 00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:33,850 - oh, perhaps I should be The star witness. 146 00:05:33,873 --> 00:05:36,342 Since I do have some Acting experience. 147 00:05:36,365 --> 00:05:39,696 And by "Some" I mean "Emmy-winning." 148 00:05:39,719 --> 00:05:41,326 - then how could the judge Not be impressed? 149 00:05:41,349 --> 00:05:43,147 So I'll go down now 150 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,063 And file the motion For a competency hearing. 151 00:05:45,086 --> 00:05:46,373 - counselor. - counselor. 152 00:05:46,397 --> 00:05:49,408 - consigliere. 153 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,773 - I'll walk you to the door. 154 00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:55,671 If I can remember Where it is. 155 00:05:55,693 --> 00:05:59,472 See, I'm working it already. 156 00:05:59,495 --> 00:06:00,463 - is it just me, 157 00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:02,923 Or were you two A little over the top? 158 00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,297 - oh, I don't know. 159 00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:07,843 maybe we should ask Your consigliere. 160 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:11,069 Thank you, melanie. 161 00:06:11,092 --> 00:06:13,465 - okay, obviously We're all attracted to him, 162 00:06:13,489 --> 00:06:15,701 And, perhaps heightened By our recent dateless-ness, 163 00:06:15,724 --> 00:06:17,523 We're acting a little insane. 164 00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,440 What should we do? - I don't know. 165 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,133 We've never been In this situation before. 166 00:06:21,156 --> 00:06:22,220 I've always been married, 167 00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:25,702 And victoria was... Well, often married. 168 00:06:25,726 --> 00:06:26,820 - and I was always single, 169 00:06:26,843 --> 00:06:28,162 Which is why I should get him. 170 00:06:28,185 --> 00:06:29,217 - well, I'm sorry. 171 00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:31,293 It's not like me To be self-centered, 172 00:06:31,316 --> 00:06:33,816 But I could just really use 173 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,212 Something to cheer me up, You know? 174 00:06:36,236 --> 00:06:40,142 Like him and faded levis And no shirt. 175 00:06:40,165 --> 00:06:42,122 - on a motorcycle, No helmet, 176 00:06:42,145 --> 00:06:43,944 Bit of a scruff. 177 00:06:43,967 --> 00:06:45,190 - I don't care What he's wearing. 178 00:06:45,213 --> 00:06:49,088 I could just picture him On top of me. 179 00:06:49,111 --> 00:06:51,932 - sure could take my mind Off my deportation troubles. 180 00:06:51,955 --> 00:06:54,231 - mm, and my being poor. 181 00:06:54,254 --> 00:06:55,477 All right, melanie, You decide. 182 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,691 Who should get him? Me or joy? 183 00:06:56,714 --> 00:06:58,577 - wait a minute. What about me? 184 00:06:58,599 --> 00:06:59,854 Why don't I Have a shot at him? 185 00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:01,963 - because up until Your one-night stand 186 00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,719 Turned out to be Your boyfriend's brother, 187 00:07:03,742 --> 00:07:05,924 You had a sex life. 188 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:08,161 - okay. 189 00:07:08,184 --> 00:07:10,078 Which one of you Am I gonna give him to? 190 00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:11,164 - give? 191 00:07:11,187 --> 00:07:13,528 - you have to have In order to give, dear. 192 00:07:13,551 --> 00:07:16,467 - well, you know, I don't want to be mean, 193 00:07:16,490 --> 00:07:18,672 But he was obviously Attracted to me. 194 00:07:18,695 --> 00:07:20,301 He said I had An honest face. 195 00:07:20,324 --> 00:07:23,399 - well, so did abe lincoln. 196 00:07:23,422 --> 00:07:25,252 You know, But if we're being honest, 197 00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:26,754 Then, I mean, It was pretty clear 198 00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:28,863 That he was bewitched By my star power. 199 00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:30,748 - oh, give it up. 200 00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,090 He was staring at my legs 201 00:07:32,113 --> 00:07:35,156 The whole time he was Complimenting my sexy accent. 202 00:07:35,179 --> 00:07:37,073 - so we're back To what do we do. 203 00:07:37,096 --> 00:07:39,725 Now, normally I would say We shouldn't compete over a man, 204 00:07:39,748 --> 00:07:43,144 But what's wrong with a little Healthy competition? 205 00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:44,358 - you're just saying that 206 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,795 Because you think You're gonna win. 207 00:07:45,818 --> 00:07:47,873 - no, no, I'm saying it 'cause I know I'm gonna win. 208 00:07:47,896 --> 00:07:51,706 - oh, you're both so wrong, Because I'm gonna win. 209 00:07:51,728 --> 00:07:53,846 - so we're gonna go for this? 210 00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:54,869 - oh, it's on. 211 00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:56,274 - oh, it is so on. 212 00:07:56,298 --> 00:07:58,671 - it is so on I'm not gonna Let you borrow my curling iron. 213 00:07:58,695 --> 00:07:59,916 - seriously? 214 00:07:59,939 --> 00:08:01,034 - well, no, You can borrow it, 215 00:08:01,057 --> 00:08:03,259 But then it is so on. 216 00:08:06,392 --> 00:08:08,830 - oh, thank you for meeting me On such short notice. 217 00:08:08,853 --> 00:08:10,651 - well, you sounded So urgent on the phone. 218 00:08:10,674 --> 00:08:13,111 - well, I'm up for a part Playing a sexy lady lawyer 219 00:08:13,134 --> 00:08:15,762 in the new show Called sexy lady lawyers. 220 00:08:15,785 --> 00:08:17,552 - so you want to know What it's like to be a lawyer? 221 00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:20,257 - well, I already know what It's like to be a sexy lady. 222 00:08:24,475 --> 00:08:25,411 - great choice. 223 00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:28,830 - thanks. That's my glass. 224 00:08:28,853 --> 00:08:30,683 What a pleasant surprise. 225 00:08:30,706 --> 00:08:32,247 I had no idea you were coming. 226 00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,206 - nor I you. 227 00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:34,740 Well, this is grand. 228 00:08:34,762 --> 00:08:36,529 I thought you Were at the supermarket. 229 00:08:36,552 --> 00:08:38,095 - I already went. 230 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,638 And I picked up those Odor eaters you always need. 231 00:08:42,974 --> 00:08:43,910 - thank you. 232 00:08:43,932 --> 00:08:45,155 But since You were already there 233 00:08:45,178 --> 00:08:47,072 Getting your medication For your toenail fungus, 234 00:08:47,095 --> 00:08:50,106 Then why not? 235 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:51,609 - well, if you two need To take care of your feet, 236 00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,823 Maybe we should do this Another time. 237 00:08:52,846 --> 00:08:54,100 - no, no, no. 238 00:08:54,123 --> 00:08:56,305 Melanie texted me That she's waxing the floors 239 00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,423 And not to come home. 240 00:08:57,446 --> 00:08:59,021 - oh, well, she texted me The same thing, 241 00:08:59,044 --> 00:09:00,841 So I thought I'd just Kill a little time 242 00:09:00,864 --> 00:09:03,813 And do a little Acting research. 243 00:09:03,836 --> 00:09:06,049 - oh, for that new movie You're doing. 244 00:09:06,072 --> 00:09:11,543 But what would kirk know about Playing a menopausal woman? 245 00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:14,793 - you're right. I should have come to you. 246 00:09:16,359 --> 00:09:19,051 So, um, why are you here With kirk, hmm? 247 00:09:19,074 --> 00:09:20,394 - well, he was kind enough To meet me 248 00:09:20,416 --> 00:09:21,863 To discuss My I.N.S. Problems. 249 00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:23,907 - I told her on the phone I'm not an immigration lawyer. 250 00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:24,962 - oh, you're so modest. 251 00:09:24,985 --> 00:09:27,103 I tell people I'm not kate beckinsale, 252 00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:29,084 But they still take pictures Of me at the airport. 253 00:09:29,107 --> 00:09:32,662 Click, click. "Oh, stop." 254 00:09:32,685 --> 00:09:36,719 - oh, it's such a shame You're being deported. 255 00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,818 - excuse me. 256 00:09:39,841 --> 00:09:41,895 Hello? 257 00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:43,971 Oh, hi, melanie. 258 00:09:43,994 --> 00:09:46,208 - melanie. - how charming. 259 00:09:46,231 --> 00:09:47,390 Put her on speaker. 260 00:09:47,413 --> 00:09:49,467 - I'd love to ask you Some legal questions 261 00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:50,648 Involving my divorce? 262 00:09:50,671 --> 00:09:52,150 - well, I'm not really A divorce lawyer. 263 00:09:52,173 --> 00:09:54,993 - oh, well, we could just Talk about that at my place. 264 00:09:55,016 --> 00:09:58,561 My roommates are out At a lesbian a.A. Meeting. 265 00:10:05,016 --> 00:10:05,952 I don't know. 266 00:10:05,974 --> 00:10:06,973 I'm just kind of scared 267 00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,348 Of being alone In this big old house. 268 00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:10,265 - oh, please. - victoria, is that you? 269 00:10:10,288 --> 00:10:11,511 - yes. - and joy. 270 00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:12,852 - well, what are you guys Doing th... 271 00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:15,249 I mean, what... Why aren't you At your meeting? 272 00:10:15,272 --> 00:10:18,028 I hope you're not drinking. - ha ha ha ha ha ha! 273 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,593 She's joking. 274 00:10:19,616 --> 00:10:21,287 She always gets irritable 275 00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:23,513 When her irritable bowel Flares up. 276 00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,239 - listen, it's getting late. 277 00:10:26,262 --> 00:10:28,252 Why don't we discuss your Legal problems over dinner? 278 00:10:28,275 --> 00:10:29,689 - sure. Which one of us Do you want to take? 279 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,734 - well, how about All three of you? 280 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:33,894 Women: yay. 281 00:10:37,508 --> 00:10:40,263 - I can't believe what you said About me at dinner last night. 282 00:10:40,286 --> 00:10:41,861 - what about What you said about me? 283 00:10:41,884 --> 00:10:43,235 I mean, I know we said it was on, 284 00:10:43,258 --> 00:10:45,280 But that was beyond on. 285 00:10:45,303 --> 00:10:46,909 - fortunately I stayed above the fray. 286 00:10:46,932 --> 00:10:48,666 - what, By pretending to choke 287 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,551 So that kirk would Put his arms around you? 288 00:10:50,575 --> 00:10:52,691 - yeah, I'm pretty sure At no point during the heimlich 289 00:10:52,714 --> 00:10:54,416 Is the choking victim 290 00:10:54,439 --> 00:10:58,826 Supposed to guide the Rescuer's hands to her boobs. 291 00:10:58,849 --> 00:11:00,998 - the important thing Is I'm alive. 292 00:11:01,022 --> 00:11:03,331 - worst night ever. 293 00:11:03,354 --> 00:11:04,289 - hey, girls. 294 00:11:04,312 --> 00:11:05,247 That was fun last night. 295 00:11:05,271 --> 00:11:06,206 - oh, so much fun. 296 00:11:06,229 --> 00:11:07,164 - I had the best time. 297 00:11:07,187 --> 00:11:10,423 - I had an even Better time, kirk. 298 00:11:10,445 --> 00:11:11,604 - so is elka ready? 299 00:11:11,628 --> 00:11:13,330 It's almost time For the competency hearing. 300 00:11:13,353 --> 00:11:15,151 - she's just freshening up. 301 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,036 - where am I? 302 00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:20,231 Who am I? 303 00:11:20,254 --> 00:11:22,372 Let's do this thing. 304 00:11:22,394 --> 00:11:24,735 Oh, no, it's max. 305 00:11:24,758 --> 00:11:26,110 And he's with Hagnes fatford. 306 00:11:26,132 --> 00:11:28,058 - okay, now, remember, You're supposed to be senile. 307 00:11:28,081 --> 00:11:29,592 There are a lot Of people out here. 308 00:11:29,614 --> 00:11:31,380 - elka, what's going on? 309 00:11:31,403 --> 00:11:33,936 - oh, max. People are staring. 310 00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:35,662 Just ignore her. 311 00:11:35,685 --> 00:11:39,303 - why is your pig Wearing a dress? 312 00:11:39,327 --> 00:11:40,518 - what? 313 00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:41,764 - please excuse her. 314 00:11:41,787 --> 00:11:43,394 She doesn't understand What she's saying. 315 00:11:43,417 --> 00:11:44,927 - I don't know What this is all about, 316 00:11:44,949 --> 00:11:47,003 But before you hear From anyone else, 317 00:11:47,025 --> 00:11:48,761 I just want to tell you that... 318 00:11:48,783 --> 00:11:50,869 - we're getting married. 319 00:11:50,892 --> 00:11:52,147 - what? 320 00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:55,757 We're getting married! 321 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:57,130 - but... 322 00:11:57,153 --> 00:11:58,185 - she's just confused. 323 00:11:58,208 --> 00:11:59,750 This has been coming on For some time now. 324 00:11:59,773 --> 00:12:01,060 - max, tick tock. 325 00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:02,594 The judge is waiting for us. 326 00:12:02,618 --> 00:12:05,501 The wedding's at 2:00. 327 00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:08,057 - be well, elka. 328 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,165 - I cannot believe 329 00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:12,785 That you were ever engaged To that dreadful woman. 330 00:12:12,808 --> 00:12:14,148 Aah! 331 00:12:16,227 --> 00:12:19,303 - that's great, But save it for the hearing. 332 00:12:19,326 --> 00:12:22,294 - elka. I'm so sorry. 333 00:12:25,109 --> 00:12:27,034 - hey, I know your mind Is on max, 334 00:12:27,057 --> 00:12:29,878 But remember, this could Keep you out of prison. 335 00:12:29,901 --> 00:12:32,902 - thank you, your majesty. 336 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,334 - this is a hearing To determine 337 00:12:39,357 --> 00:12:40,932 If the defendant Is competent 338 00:12:40,955 --> 00:12:43,966 To stand trial In case number 10421, 339 00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:46,012 The people Versus elka ostrovsky. 340 00:12:46,034 --> 00:12:47,992 For the defense, we have... 341 00:12:48,014 --> 00:12:50,602 The very capable Kirk stark. 342 00:12:52,169 --> 00:12:53,774 Good afternoon, counselor. 343 00:12:53,798 --> 00:12:54,861 - good afternoon, judge. 344 00:12:54,884 --> 00:12:56,798 - it is now. 345 00:12:59,389 --> 00:13:00,579 Have you been working out? 346 00:13:00,603 --> 00:13:01,571 - every day, your honor. 347 00:13:01,594 --> 00:13:04,051 - what exactly Does that entail? 348 00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:08,439 - oh, a lot of crunches, Squats, stair work, 349 00:13:08,463 --> 00:13:10,196 That sort of thing. 350 00:13:10,219 --> 00:13:12,006 - that's fascinating. 351 00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:16,074 Well, I suppose We should continue. 352 00:13:16,097 --> 00:13:17,896 Representing the state In this matter we have... 353 00:13:17,918 --> 00:13:19,045 - uh, greg trimmer... 354 00:13:19,069 --> 00:13:21,136 - yeah, I don't need to know Your life story. 355 00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,416 Kirk, do you want to call Your first witness? 356 00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:28,374 - thank you, your honor. 357 00:13:28,397 --> 00:13:29,556 At this time, The defense 358 00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:32,943 Would like to call Victoria chase to the stand. 359 00:13:32,965 --> 00:13:33,997 Oh, I'm sorry. 360 00:13:34,019 --> 00:13:35,179 The defense would like to call 361 00:13:35,202 --> 00:13:37,757 Television's victoria chase To the stand. 362 00:13:46,448 --> 00:13:48,086 - please raise Your right hand. 363 00:13:48,109 --> 00:13:49,556 Do you swear To tell the truth, 364 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,664 The whole truth, And nothing but the truth? 365 00:13:51,688 --> 00:13:53,668 - I do. 366 00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:58,215 - now, miss chase, could you Give the court an example 367 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,770 Of why you think the defendant Is incapable of standing trial? 368 00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:02,207 - fade in. 369 00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:03,869 Close on An elderly woman's hand 370 00:14:03,892 --> 00:14:06,072 Picking up A delicate teacup. 371 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,222 - what are you doing? 372 00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:08,565 - oh, I'm setting the scene, Your honor. 373 00:14:08,588 --> 00:14:10,791 - just get to the example, Fellini. 374 00:14:14,818 --> 00:14:17,287 - last week I was in my living room, 375 00:14:17,309 --> 00:14:20,097 Curled up and kittenish... 376 00:14:20,121 --> 00:14:22,335 Um, reading A penetrating article 377 00:14:22,358 --> 00:14:24,093 in the american law journal. 378 00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,637 I just love all things Pertaining to law. 379 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:32,590 Anyway, I suddenly Noticed that elka 380 00:14:32,613 --> 00:14:34,187 Had wandered Out into the street. 381 00:14:34,210 --> 00:14:36,775 She was frightened And confused, and... 382 00:14:36,798 --> 00:14:38,022 Well, At great personal risk, 383 00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,683 I ran out to save her. 384 00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:42,366 - and were your roommates Melanie and joy witness to this? 385 00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:46,935 - actually, joy Was way too drunk to stand. 386 00:14:46,958 --> 00:14:48,276 It was 9:00 a.M. 387 00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:49,875 - not true. 388 00:14:49,898 --> 00:14:51,407 Order in the court. 389 00:14:51,431 --> 00:14:53,772 - and melanie was upstairs, Waging her own brave, 390 00:14:53,795 --> 00:14:58,788 But ultimately futile battle Against cellulite. 391 00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:00,129 - objection. 392 00:15:00,152 --> 00:15:01,886 - only the judge Or the lawyers can object. 393 00:15:01,910 --> 00:15:03,483 - that's right. 394 00:15:03,506 --> 00:15:06,508 You really know your stuff. 395 00:15:12,388 --> 00:15:16,871 - so as much as it Breaks my heart to say this, 396 00:15:16,894 --> 00:15:19,969 I really do think she's not Competent to stand trial. 397 00:15:19,992 --> 00:15:21,949 - well, thank you, miss moretti, For your testimony. 398 00:15:21,972 --> 00:15:23,643 - you're welcome. Any time. 399 00:15:23,666 --> 00:15:25,741 I like it when we talk. 400 00:15:28,522 --> 00:15:29,905 Oh, I'd like To clear something up. 401 00:15:29,928 --> 00:15:32,461 Although I do sympathize With the 95% of women 402 00:15:32,484 --> 00:15:34,249 Who do suffer from cellulite, 403 00:15:34,272 --> 00:15:36,826 I happen to be One of the lucky 5%. 404 00:15:38,298 --> 00:15:42,801 - let the record show that the Court has been equally blessed. 405 00:15:44,976 --> 00:15:48,531 I don't hear typing. 406 00:15:48,554 --> 00:15:50,320 - and she's clearly delusional. 407 00:15:50,344 --> 00:15:53,419 She always mistakes me For a hooker. 408 00:15:53,442 --> 00:15:56,156 Whereas most people Mistake me for kate beckinsale. 409 00:15:59,928 --> 00:16:01,343 - that's perjury, your honor. 410 00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:03,035 Ask her to name These so-called people 411 00:16:03,058 --> 00:16:04,760 Who think She's kate beckinsale. 412 00:16:04,783 --> 00:16:05,878 - oh, stop it. 413 00:16:05,902 --> 00:16:07,827 I didn't interrupt Your testi-lying. 414 00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:09,967 - I did not lie once. 415 00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:10,925 - you so did. 416 00:16:10,949 --> 00:16:12,364 You lied, like, ten times. 417 00:16:12,387 --> 00:16:13,897 Except about elka. 418 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,303 'cause she really is crazy. 419 00:16:15,326 --> 00:16:16,357 And that's the honest truth. 420 00:16:16,381 --> 00:16:17,412 I'll even swear... 421 00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:18,690 - enough. 422 00:16:18,713 --> 00:16:21,981 The only crazy people In this room are these three. 423 00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:23,674 Put me on trial. 424 00:16:23,697 --> 00:16:25,047 I've got something to do. 425 00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:26,006 - no, no, wait, elka. 426 00:16:26,029 --> 00:16:26,964 - elka. 427 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:27,923 - wait. 428 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,201 - you can't just walk out. 429 00:16:29,224 --> 00:16:32,522 - the defendant is clearly Competent to stand trial. 430 00:16:32,545 --> 00:16:34,279 This court is adjourned. 431 00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,485 Counsel, I'd like To see you in my chambers. 432 00:16:36,508 --> 00:16:38,116 No, not you. Sit down. 433 00:16:51,971 --> 00:16:54,024 - and do you, Maxwell sidney miller, 434 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:57,090 Take this woman to be Your lawful wedded wife? 435 00:16:57,114 --> 00:16:59,007 - not on my watch. 436 00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:00,669 - elka, What are you doing here? 437 00:17:00,692 --> 00:17:03,162 - somebody restrain That crazy woman. 438 00:17:03,185 --> 00:17:05,175 - you're right. I am crazy. 439 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,867 Crazy for you, max. 440 00:17:06,891 --> 00:17:08,593 I never Should have let you go. 441 00:17:08,616 --> 00:17:11,820 - and I should have Never let you let me go. 442 00:17:11,842 --> 00:17:14,120 - so I'm just a rebound thing. 443 00:17:14,143 --> 00:17:17,028 - I'm sorry, agnes, But I can't marry you. 444 00:17:17,051 --> 00:17:18,338 It's nothing you've done. 445 00:17:18,361 --> 00:17:20,861 But my heart Is promised to another. 446 00:17:20,885 --> 00:17:23,608 - well, If you choose her over me, 447 00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:25,590 You're as crazy as she is. 448 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:29,763 He's all yours, Hellka o'slutsky. 449 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,151 - is your heart Really promised to me, max? 450 00:17:34,174 --> 00:17:36,482 - it's promised To the cleveland clinic, 451 00:17:36,506 --> 00:17:38,625 But until then, It beats only for you. 452 00:17:38,648 --> 00:17:41,020 - are you asking me To marry you again? 453 00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:41,978 - yes! 454 00:17:42,001 --> 00:17:45,141 - then, yes, again. 455 00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:48,112 - since we're here, Could we tie the knot now? 456 00:17:48,136 --> 00:17:51,786 - I'm not gonna get married All crazy in a bathrobe, 457 00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:55,492 Looking like joy. 458 00:17:55,515 --> 00:17:57,090 - you look beautiful to me. 459 00:17:57,113 --> 00:17:58,592 But I'll wait if you want. 460 00:17:58,615 --> 00:18:00,221 But I'd like to rehearse 461 00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:04,054 Just one little part Of our future wedding. 462 00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:06,664 May I kiss the bride now? 463 00:18:20,179 --> 00:18:21,626 - hey, elka, I think we all want to say 464 00:18:21,649 --> 00:18:24,278 That we're very sorry That we ruined your hearing. 465 00:18:24,301 --> 00:18:26,546 - oh, it's okay. 466 00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:27,856 I might go to jail, 467 00:18:27,878 --> 00:18:29,549 But I have my max back. 468 00:18:29,572 --> 00:18:32,073 - oh, the crazy things We do for men. 469 00:18:32,096 --> 00:18:35,268 - oh, kirk was just So handsome and... 470 00:18:35,290 --> 00:18:37,217 And... 471 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,463 What else was he? 472 00:18:38,486 --> 00:18:41,371 - well, he wasn't Particularly clever. 473 00:18:41,394 --> 00:18:43,606 - or romantic. - or interesting. 474 00:18:43,629 --> 00:18:46,193 - or, face it, a good lawyer. 475 00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:48,174 - yeah, but if I get An all-female jury, 476 00:18:48,197 --> 00:18:51,752 I've got it made. 477 00:18:51,775 --> 00:18:53,798 - you know, for me, It wasn't even about kirk. 478 00:18:53,821 --> 00:18:56,450 I just wanted to feel As fabulous as you guys. 479 00:18:56,473 --> 00:18:58,271 Yes, I get jealous sometimes. 480 00:18:58,294 --> 00:19:00,188 - of me? That's crazy. 481 00:19:00,211 --> 00:19:03,051 - I'll say. 482 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:06,736 - I'm jealous of you. 483 00:19:06,759 --> 00:19:08,270 You're so sexy and adorable. 484 00:19:08,293 --> 00:19:09,932 Of course a guy's Gonna go for you. 485 00:19:09,955 --> 00:19:11,816 - yeah, well, I'm jealous of both of you. 486 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,756 Those legs and that smile, 487 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,992 What guy would choose me? 488 00:19:17,014 --> 00:19:18,558 - oh, please, You've got to be joking. 489 00:19:18,581 --> 00:19:22,519 You are so glamorous, So gorgeous... 490 00:19:22,542 --> 00:19:25,842 - well, that's true. 491 00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,472 - you're all hot. 492 00:19:27,494 --> 00:19:29,484 You're all fabulous. 493 00:19:29,507 --> 00:19:32,135 You're all alone. 494 00:19:32,159 --> 00:19:33,094 See ya, losers. 495 00:19:33,117 --> 00:19:35,298 I got a date.